


The Key and The Coffee

by Potkanka



Category: Tomb Raider (Video Games)
Genre: Gen, I don't know why I'm not nicer to him, I dunno this is kinda cracky, Rated for swearing, birthday fic, it's Kurtis' birthday, lack of caffeine, lots of caffeine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-29 03:26:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15064064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Potkanka/pseuds/Potkanka
Summary: It's Kurtis' birthday and Lara has a surprise for him! But she needs a little bit of time to finish everything, so she sends him to have a bit of fun riding a quadbike on her personal racetrack. Of course, he needs to find the key first. Can't be that hard, right? Also, he would appreciate some coffee first, thank you.





	The Key and The Coffee

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know, I'm not that happy with this story, it's kinda cracky and kinda weird, everyone acts... well, I can blame any strangeness on their caffeine levels, maybe? I'm just finally publishing it so it's done and I'm not dwelling on it anymore. This was originally written for Kurtis' birthday last year, but I only finished it today. Well, better late than never! How lucky that birthdays come every year :D

Kurtis dragged his feet down the stairs, pulling on his shirt and yawning. Only his reflexes prevented him from tumbling down when he stepped on his shoelace, catching himself on the banister with his hand that wasn't trapped halfway through a sleeve. He finished dressing himself by the time he reached the main hall and squinting sleepily he made his way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee or five.

He just stepped into the kitchen entrance when there was a barrel of a gun aimed right between his eyes. From a distance so minimal it was almost touching him.

“Get out.”

Kurtis forced his eyes to focus on what was beyond the weapon and blinked a few times at Lara. She was aiming at him with her left hand, in her right hand clutching a spatula.

“I need coffee,” he slurred but knew better than to move forward when Lara was clearly disagreeing with his intended destination.

Indeed, she held the gun without flinching even as she glanced to the left towards the cabinets and then back at Kurtis. “We ran out.”

“Ugh, Lara, I don't care what's in the kitchen, just gimme the coffee. And the kettle. Or I can... brew it over a camp fire or whatever if you don't wanna give me the kettle...” he yawned again.

“No, really, we ran out.”

“Come on, last evening-”

“Well it's not last evening anymore, so moot point,” Lara interrupted him and when he tried to focus on her a bit better, there seemed to be a bit of manic sheen in her eyes and a some restless twitching. Did she... did she drink it all herself? Had she been up all night?

“Uh, okay...” he said carefully and made a slow step back.

“Wait!” Lara ordered and he froze on the spot.

Lara stuck the spatula into her left holster handle first and pulled a cellphone from her pocket. Her armed hand didn't move a bit the whole time.

“Winston?” she spoke to the phone in a few seconds. Kurtis wasn't exactly surprised that Lara had her butler on speed dial, but at the same time wondered at which situations that might be useful. Well, certainly in this situation, whatever _this situation_ was.  Ugh, he didn't want to think now.

“Get coffee. Lots of coffee, we've run out.” She sighed. “I know, I know. I couldn't, I still have to-” her eyes snapped up and pierced Kurtis with a calculating gaze. His instincts were telling him to run away but also that it was a terrible idea. “Winston, is the racetrack key in its place?” A pause. “Excellent. I won't hold you up anymore. Return as soon as possible please.”

Kurtis watched her as she pocketed the phone, unholstered the spatula again and then smirked at him. “I am going to give you your first birthday present.”

“You remembered it's my birthday?” Kurtis asked half-pleased about it and half-dreading what this gift might be.

Lara blinked. Jerked her head to the side to look at something he couldn't see. Then back at him. “Yes.”

“Okay...”

“You asked me about the racetrack before,” she widened her eyes meaningfully.

“Yeah, I was even so nice not to just jump over the wall you know...”  
“I'd shoot you if you did,” Lara dismissed it absent-mindedly, “But now I'll let you try it. Good present, right? You better appreciate it.”  
“Sure...”

“Go to the library. Second bookshelf from the right, third shelf from the bottom, tenth book from the left.”

“What?”

Lara rolled her eyes, almost vibrating in place in either suppressed frustration or an excess of restless energy. Possibly both. Kurtis also only now noticed she looked a bit flushed. Did she have a fever? “Second bookshelf. From the right. Third shelf. From the bottom. Tenth book. From the left.”

“Yeah I heard that. Is that... what you asked Winston about? Are you keeping the key in a hollow book? I don't even know if it's cliché or just normal in this house. I mean your trophy room... Well I guess you need a bit more effort than take the right book for that one...”

Lara grinned. It looked sadistic. “Enjoy the racetrack. Now scram.”

“Alright, alright, I'm going,” Kurtis backed away from her with his hands raised, palms facing forward. Then he risked it after a few steps: “Are you alright? You look a bit-”

“Absolutely fine,” she twitched in irritation and the swayed a little.

“Okay, just checking,” Kurtis nodded, absolutely unconvinced, but he felt a little dizzy himself from the lack of caffeine, so he didn't press. It's not like it would do him any good, this was Lara.

He backed away further and she didn't put her gun away as long as she was in his view.

Kurtis contemplated just going back to sleep, if he couldn't get any coffee, but didn't want to invite the rage of the gods – well, rage of Lara, though sometimes there didn't seem to be much of a difference – if he didn't do as she said. And he didn't want to seem ungrateful, it was nice of her to remember his birthday.

He reached the library and quickly counted the shelves and books. Finding the right one, he tried to pull it out, only to turn it spine down as it didn't let itself to be separated from the shelf. Kurtis moved it up and back down a few times, finally realizing it's not stuck and moving it all the way down and around. A secret lever, how hadn't he expected it?

When it settled into its reverse position, the room turned quiet. It took Kurtis' foggy mind only about half a minute to realize that the missing sound was the hearth. He turned to it to indeed find it extinguished.

Now what?

He came closer to inspect the fireplace in meagre hope there will be some clue. It was... a fireplace. The charred wood was still hot red and radiated heat. Kurtis briefly contemplated finding out how this mechanism, whatever it was, managed to just douse the fire instantly and with no water and any obvious tools around, but then dismissed this train of thought as too complicated for a morning with no coffee. If this was some puzzle, then he was screwed, pure and simple.

Maybe he should just push the back wall and a secret entrance would open? Sounded cliché enough for Lara. He stepped in, mindful not to burn his boots on the charcoal, and pushed the brick wall. Nothing. He put all his weight into it. No change. He sighed and leaned on the left side of the hearth, glaring at the offending wall. And then he felt a... hole? He looked over to the left.

Some bricks in the left wall were missing in regular intervals going up the chimney, making a perfect surface for climbing.

Well then.

After climbing up and shaking out his cramped limbs, Kurtis found a passage and followed it in hope there won't be any deadly traps. Lara wouldn't go _that_ far in her own house, right? ...Right?

Large, unwieldy steps lead to a small room with an elevated further half, where Kurtis could see a lever on its right side. Great, more levers.  At least this one didn ' t look like a book.  He climbed up to it, pulled and waited. There seemed to be no change in his surroundings, no sound hinting at the effect of this mechanism.

Kurtis really, really wanted his coffee.

The demon hunter sighed and started to slowly, methodically inspect every part of the room,  only stumbling a little . There was a crate which maybe he could move or look inside, but he left it be for now.

The sound of the lever moving made him look up. It came back to its original position? But still nothing happened... He decided to look at the crate now. It couldn't be opened but could be moved and the fact that there was a box of flares hidden underneath it didn't seem like a coincidence. He really didn't like where this was going. But took the flares anyway.

He went and pulled the lever again and decided to check the stairs he came from. There didn't seem to be anything different either but when he climbed up to the top he heard the unmistakeable sound of burning wood. And felt  some faint smoke too... With a sinking feeling he made his way to the chimney and peered down. The fire was burning again, of-fucking-course! So no way to go back now. He was going to have some serious talk with Lara. It was one thing to enjoy such traps in tombs, it was even okay to have an obstacle course with  _clearly defined boundaries_ , but implementing this stuff into the house was crazy and how could he have ever though t Lara wasn't?

So  actually  yeah, this talk probably wasn't going to accomplish anything.

With a defeated, long, coffee-deprived sigh that reverberated in his very bones, Kurtis returned to the lever, which once again returned to its d e fault posi t ion.  He stared at it for a moment as  i f it was the source of all his torment – and with Lara nowhere in sight, it really was the closest thing right now – and pulled it for the third time.

Then he moved to a part he didn't have time to inspect yet, an alcove with another crate. It fit into the  narrow place perfectly and so was impossible to open  from above , which is why he let it be first.  B ut now that he found out the first crate couldn't be opened anyway... and there  had been something hidden  under it... Kurtis lifted one eyebrow, whispered a quiet prayer to whoever was listening and hoped he was finally going to make some progress.

He came to the crate and pushed. And it moved! He didn't let himself celebrate yet, instead moved forward until the crate hit an obstacle. But by now there was a new exit to the left so all was well. Maybe. Kurtis actually very much doubted it, but he let himself be happy for a moment and enjoy any kind of progress. He wondered if this was actually very simple and only his lack of c affeine and therefore mental faculties was making this a humongous task.

He walked to the newly opened space and looked around. It looked like an attic – dark, full of crates and with a slanted ceiling. He'd never been to the attic of the manor but it did make sense for it to have one. He lit up one of the flares and walked around, into all the dark corners, before deciding the only way he could go was the corridor to the left of the way he came in.

The stairs in the corridor had  _normal_ , reasonable height and ended in a  _normal_ door that could be  _normally_ opened. Thank god for small mercies.

He opened them and stepped out into... the  hallway at the top of stairs overlooking the main hall. It was quite anticlimatic, to be honest with himself. But without leaving the s pot , he started looking around to see if anything could've been affected by the lever.

Ugh, it could be anything! What the hell, Lara, why couldn't he have a nice, relaxing day when it was his birthday?! Instead he was crawling through the fireplace and a dusty attic with  _no coffee_ in his system, trying to... What was he trying to do again? Uh, key? Yeah, racetrack key. He didn't really feel like seeing the track anymore, he'd much prefer to shoot something or drink coffee. And had he mentioned he wanted coffee? Because he'd really like to have some coffee just about now.

He was jerked out of these unhappy thoughts by the front door opening and Winston walking in, loaded down with shopping bags. The next moment Lara sprinted to him across the main hall, coming from the direction of the kitchen,  and stumbled a little as she came to a stop .

“Good, you're back! Did you get everything? Didn't you forget anything? You have all I asked you for?” Winston could only nod at her motor-mouth inquiries which all amounted to the same question.

Wow, may be Lara could give him a transfusion of some of the caffeine running through her veins.  There couldn't be any blood left to  worry about compatibility anymore.

Winston tapped her shoulder then and pointed upward, toward Kurtis. The younger man froze like a deer in the headlights, absurdly feeling like he was caught  in a heinous act even though he hadn't done anything wrong. He hoped. Lara  looked like at this moment she'd be more than happy to find something wrong with his very existence, with the look she threw him.

“And what are _you_ doing there?” she crossed her arms. “Don't you have somewhere else to be? Have you found the key? I didn't think so. Do you see anyone else in this house slacking off? So why are you?”

Kurtis' back was pressed to the wall by the end of Lara's berating, silently grateful that she at least didn't pull out any guns this time. Then again her hands were full of the bags she took from Winston. Thank god for small mercies,  truly, they were all Kurtis had left .  Lara didn't wa i t for his response and sprinted away without looking at him twice.

“I will bring you your coffee later,” Winston promised Kurtis, an understanding smile crossing his lips. “For now, I would recommend you to do as Lara says.”

“Yeah,” Kurtis agreed faintly. “Thanks, Winston.”

Kurtis moved back to the small room with the lever. Its position was reversed again, of course. He stared at it, trying to focus. So, lever. Lever... does something. But then goes up again. Which probably undoes it.  Massaging his brow, he pulled the lever for the fourth time and then ran out  o f the attic, down the stairs and out through the door to look down at the main hall. Was there anything? Anything out of place, changed or missing? He walked to the left  along the passageway, peering into the music room, when he heard a loud creak of a door closing or opening from downstairs. He leaned over the balustrade to see if Lara or Winston were anywhere in sight.  S uch a sound must've been made by a door not used often.  But there was no-one... Closing his eyes and balancing himself on his feet, he let the fog in his mind take over for a moment before forcing himself to open his eyes again and make his way, slowly, back up into the attic and to the lever.

The fifth time.

He ran to the stairs, down, then out and to the left, peering down to the main hall and leaning forward  s o much he had to h o ld himself carefully not to topple over. Nothing. Where is anything? Does anything make sense anymore? What is the purpose of his struggles? Is he getting coffee out of this anyway?

The sound of doors again, and now he knew from which direction. He made his way downstairs, to the middle of the main hall and yawned. Then he looked to the right. There was... a door. He never really thought about it, but there was indeed a door by the entrance to the gym  and he didn't know where it lead. That wasn't the only unknown door to him  in this house , sure, but this was the only in the direction of the sound. Could it be... but when he heard it he only just made his way down fr o m the attic... it wasn't very long....

God. No.

He let his eyes fall shut. He wanted a coffee or a nap or maybe both or maybe just the sweet release of death, what the hell was Lara thinking? If it was what he thought...

Oh, look there was a headache coming on. Or maybe it was there for some time but only now he really noticed. N o t that it made any difference.

Another walk to the lever. He wanted to lie down on the stairs and just stop moving, but his training made him walk forward even when his mind and body were protesting and whining. Before he really noticed the walk, he was looking with his very much unfocused eyes at the lever again, Fuck this damn thing.

The sixth time.

He ran out, down the stairs, out of the attic, to the left and on the stairs... Too late. Kurtis sat down, leaning his back on the closed door. Maybe he could just die here. So nice. No movement. No coffee, but also no problems. Just nothing.  I t should stay nothing. He'd take a nap and no-one 'd care. Why not make life simple? What reason is there for -

“Your coffee,” a voice above him spoke. Kurtis put all his might into peering up at the blurred figure. A few seconds of attempts made him focus him eyes. There was Winston with a steaming cup of something that definitely smelled like coffee.

“You're a lifesaver, Winston,” he mumbled but didn't make any move. Too tiring, even to get the one thing that'd let him finally wake up and not give up on life.

Winston waited for a few moments before leaning down (and how far down did Kurtis slide on his butt for Winston to have to bow?) and putti n g the mug full of dark liquid right into his hands.

“Thanks, Winston,” he said in wonderment. And then drank. The world came into focus, dark thoughts were banished to the dark corners of his mind. Everything made sense once again.

“Alright! I'm gonna do this shit!” Kurtis jumped to his feet, clutching the cup so tight it cracked. “Ooops, sorry.”

“No harm done,” Winston sighed and took the three pieces of china to dispose of them. “But please mind your language.”

“Oh, yeah, right,” Kurtis scratched his head sheepishly and then jogged towards the stairs. He was by the lever quickly. The seventh time, it was a lucky number, he had to be successful this time! He pulled the lever.

He sprinted through the attic and when he ran out of the door, he made a jump fuelled by psychic energy and caffeine to land down in the middle of the hall. Without a moment of hesitation he turned around and bolted towards the still open door, throwing himself in so fast he nearly tripped on the stairs awaiting him inside.

“Fuck,” he hissed half-crouched, but managed not tu tumble down. He looked back just to see the door close after him. And look, another box of flares. Where was he going now anyway? He was in the attic a moment before and now he was going to explore the basement. With any luck for the key, but also maybe just another clue or a lever or a puzzle, knowing Lara, but at least now he felt reasonably certain his brain would be able to help him competently.

He made his way down, taking the right turn with an apprehension. It was lighter there. The light was actually a little strange, a bit subdued, a bit... he walked into the next room and stopped. Wow. He had to give it to Lara, that was quite a sight for someone with no prior warning. The aquarium was beautiful and... well, big. Very big. He stepped further in, taking in the chaise-longue and a bookcase. He could imagine spending some long relaxing hours in there, reading. But if he wanted to have a nice place to relax, he wouldn't want to have to perform acrobatics to get there... well, that was simply Lara.

He stepped closer to the glass, watching the fish swim around peacefully, the sandy bottom was almost changing colour by the subdued light. The sand was even glinting- no. That... wasn't sand. Kurtis took a deep breath and leaned closer to look at the object.

A key.

“What the actual fuck, Lara?!”

It was possible Lara actually heard that. And Winston would hopefully excuse Kurtis' language because this...

Lara was crazy, pure and simple. Or masochistic, seeing as it was clearly done for her own amusement. So actually, it was probably easy for her by now. If this was what it meant that the key was in its place.

God fucking dammit.

This was... this was...

Alright, he went this far, half of the way even half-asleep. He wasn't giving up now that the  objective was in his sight. He couldn't. Beside, Lara would laugh at him if she knew. Or forced him at gunpoint to go get the damn key. Better do it willingly.

So where to now? Short look around revealed a hole in the ceiling. So the crate standing here could be used to climb up there, he supposed. Pretty simple, pretty straightforward. At least now with caffeine.

He pushed the crate to the optimal position and pulled himself up. He stood in a short hallway ending with a predictable hole leading right into the water. Or maybe not so predictable, there might've been a closed trapdoor that Kurtis would have to open first. He shuddered. Better not jinx it.

Before he had time to rethink it – and that there must have been a lot of reasons why it was a bad idea to just drop into a large tank of water without any equipment and with one small hole offering an exit – he jumped in, angling himself in the air to dive facing the way he needed to swim.

The water was warm and clean and he was pleasantly surprised that no cleverly hidden sharks suddenly came out to play.

No, bad thoughts, bad thoughts! No ideas until he was safely out!

He swam past the colourful tropical fish, eyeing them warily, but they seemed to neither want to poison him or eat him.

Bad thoughts!

He turned around the corner, then another one. He knew the aquarium was big, but it felt even bigger from the inside. He was squinting around for the key, keeping his breath in his lungs with lips pressed together tightly, grimacing.

There!

Kicking forward and down, he reached for the glittering object, only to ruin his vision by stirring up the sand. Eyes closed, he quickly groped around and grabbed the metallic, key-shaped object as it collided with his fingers.

His return brought an exciting discovery of his telekinesis being able to propel him forward underwater and to raise the sand in disorienting opaque swirls. Wishing for echolocation instead, Kurtis palmed the tiled ceiling, his lungs screaming for air and his vision, blinded by sand, going dark due to the lack of oxygen. The water was warm… he felt light… it was pretty nice…

His hand breached the surface, throwing him back into the present and his head followed as his survival instinct remembered to kick in. Kurtis gasped and gulped the air, grabbing the edge of the floor and leaning on it with his arms.

Something dug into his forearm and he raised his had to see.

The key.

He just almost fucking died for a fucking key. On his birthday. Because Lara was crazy, but he already established that and it just didn't feel like strong enough word by now. This was… absolute insanity. He wasn't doing this anymore, nope, he was done.

The key glinted mockingly in his hand.

Right, because he was done. He actually went through all the shit. Fuck.

He pulled himself out of the water, grunting at the effort, and drowned as he almost was, he realized he'd quite like another cup of coffee. It sounded safe and beneficial. Maybe he could go to the kitchen-

Right, the kitchen. That wasn't safe.

Why was this house such a nightmare.

Kurtis dragged himself through the hallway, down on the crate, up the staircase, out into the main hall, towards the front door, onto the driveway, over the short hedges, across the fountain because he was fucking drenched anyway…

A keyhole.

Was this fucking worth it?

He dropped down, sitting cross-legged and staring at the key as if it could bring him all the secrets of the universe.

He didn't know how long he was sitting here, but eventually he raised his hand, slowly, and fumbled with the key until it found its place in the lock. Turning it around, Kurtis just sat and waited. Maybe a flock of dinosaurs would run out of the opened gate. It could be fun. It sounded like Lara all right. No screeching yet, huh, strange. Maybe they were slow dinosaurs. There must've been slow ones too, right? He could wait for them.

“Kurtis!”

Kurtis jerked awake violently, blinking fast and focusing his eyes, until they fell on the figure standing in front of him.

“What are you doing? Are you sleeping?” Lara stood there, arms crossed menacingly. Then again, she could do anything menacingly. Even waving. Or brushing her teeth. Kurtis wondered how she did it.

“'M not sleeping.”

“You were sleeping,” Lara accused. Then her gaze lifted higher. “Oh, you found the key.”

“Yeah,” Kurtis managed.

“I hope you enjoyed the track then, you're coming with me now,” Lara grabbed his arm and dragged him up, pulling him towards the house.

“Huh? Uh, what wait-” Kurtis stumbled after her.

“No waiting, the waiting is over, it's finally done and because it's done I refuse to wait, there's nothing to wait for...”

Lara kept talking and Kurtis was once again reminded of all the sweet, sweet caffeine that must be flooding her system. One cup, he only had one cup!

Life was unfair.

Finally reaching the kitchen, Lara passed it without a glance and instead lead Kurtis into the dining room, not caring for his desperate looks toward the Holy Room of Coffeemaker. It took him a moment to realize he wasn't being dragged anymore. He looked forward, seeing Lara standing right in front of him, suddenly all prim and proper.

“Surprise,” was her reserved exclamation as she stepped to the side and revealed a three-layered birthday cake standing on the long table.

“Oh,” Kurtis blinked, then realize he probably needed to show a little more of a reaction to avoid being shot at. And anyway… it looked… nice. It actually looked pretty great!

“Wow, Lara, that's… amazing. Thanks!”

“Hmm,” Lara cocked her head. “I'm glad. I had a something little different in mind, but fell asleep and got the whole thing burned, so-” she clapped her hands, “I made another one.”

“You were really up the whole night, weren't you?” Kurtis raised an eyebrow.

“Yes!” Lara said with pride, some of the manic gleam back in her eyes.

“Whoa...” Kurtis just managed. “Are you dying of caffeine overdose?”

“Possibly!” Lara trilled cheerfully. “Do you want to try the cake?”

“Uh, sure,” Kurtis agreed, eyeing her to ascertain if he's fulfilling her last wish by this. But Lara just grabbed a knife and a plate, cutting a huge slice and handing it over to Kurtis, without dying on the spot. Good for her.

“Thanks,” Kurtis took the plate, then looked at her again. “You're not getting any?”

Lara looked at him with judgement and Kurtis allowed himself a brief thought of poisoned cakes before Lara spoke up: “It's a coffee cake, I didn't _really_ drink everything myself. And I also don't want to actually die.”

“Could've fooled me,” Kurtis murmured, but then the meaning of her words really sunk in. Coffee cake. Kurtis inhaled the whole slice and went for another. It wasn't the same as actual coffee but god, was it still heavenly. And damn, Lara sure could bake.

“I take it back,” Kurtis sighed a few minutes later, sitting back on one of the chairs,” “I might not want to actually die yet.”

“Did you want to?” Lara asked, amused.

Kurtis shot her a look. “What _was_ that torture session that you call “getting the key”?”

“A little warm-up? Before enjoying the track?”

“I have returned the key to its proper place, as usual,” Winston's voice came from the door.

“Thank you, Winston,” Lara smiled.

“Wait, what!” Kurtis jumped up.

“The key always goes back after it's used,” Lara explained. “So that the fun isn't ruined for the next time.”

“But I didn't actually-” Kurtis started, but then dropped back on the chair. “Just let me die.”

“On your birthday?” Lara exclaimed, palm over her heart.

Kurtis eyed her for a moment. Lara was badly suppressing the amused twitch of her mouth.

“You knew precisely what was happening, didn't you?”

“Baking still left it possible for me to watch the security cameras feed,” Lara answered sweetly.

“This house is hell,” Kurtis slid halfway down the chair.

“But you love it,” Lara stood up, kissing his cheek. “Happy birthday. I'm going to get some sleep. We can get the key together later, what do you say?”

“That going through hell with Satan as a guide might be a bit easier,” Kurtis muttered. Lara just laughed in answer.


End file.
